Three

It doesn’t seem possible that it’s been a full three years since Cora was born still into the world. Those three years have passed in the blink of an eye and have taken an eternity all at the same time.

The further we get from Cora’s birth, the easier carrying losing her comes to be. We have been blessed beyond measure to have a little boy, and are expecting our third baby early this winter. Her little brother has filled out house with mess and noise and our hearts with joy that we didn’t think was possible, and has simultaneously reminded us of what we did not get to experience with her. We in no way “deserve” children because we experienced a loss. Our God is good whether or not we have children who live because of who He is, not because of whether or not He grants us what we desire. Most of all, we have seen God’s goodness in the land of the living because of His presence.

He has met my cries for relief with His presence, and tiny undeserved gifts. A three year old that I love spent the month of May reminding me that he would be “free” in June, proudly displaying three fingers to me to emphasize his monumental accomplishment. I couldn’t tell him that I would never, ever forget how old he is. Last fall, a now almost three year old that I love demanded that I put her hair in a pony tail, and then demanded that I do it again because my first attempt didn’t meet her standards. She has fine, white blond hair and blue eyes, just like I imagine Cora would have had if she had lived. I cried when she couldn’t see me anymore, because I didn’t want her to be sad about the gift she had unintentionally given me.

May you encounter the presence of God in the loss or grief that you are feeling. He is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Happy birthday to my first baby; my little Cora Lorraine. Every day I am grateful that you are in God’s presence.

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My Rocking Chair

My rocking chair is a time machine.
I hold your nearly toddler self, hair matted from a day of play and learning, and catch a glimpse of the tiny baby boy with a furrowed brow that I brought home; you struggling to eat, me struggling to feed you and hold myself together. I could see your little neck then, now hidden under the layer of padding that God has given you to cushion your fearless falls and to fuel your exploration. Has it really been a year since you left my womb and filled our home with your presence?
My rocking chair is a metronome.
“Cree, cree”, it says over and over until we’re done. Forward and backward it rocks, on and on until you calm and are ready for sleep. It marks the slow and blinding passage of time, good days and bad days, confident and turbulent days. No matter the day, here is where it ends. Some days I ask the Lord to grant us another good day, and some days I thank the Lord that the day is finally over. My favorite tick of the metronome is when you turn, your mind full of sleep, and bury your nose in my chest. It is then that I try to slow time down by rocking more slowly and holding my breath. One day, this metronome will stop ticking and your daddy as I won’t hold you every night; you will be too independent.
My rocking chair is a battle field, stained with tears, blood, and milk.
We’ve fought so many nights on that tiny battle field. (Forward) go to sleep, (backward) now please, (forward) go to sleep, (backward) now please, (forward) go to sleep, (backward) for the love of all that is holy and sanctified now please. We’ve fought illness and pain together in that chair, fighting snotty noses and hurting gums, twice taking you to the Emergency Department for extra help; sometimes fighting invisible enemies that leave us both frustrated and in pain. We’ve fought my insecurities as a mother when you cried out for your daddy or when the way I wanted to feed you didn’t work and I took it personally. Those nights when we still fought to breast feed, your daddy slept on the floor in your room because I was so scared of my frustration but God saw us through.
My rocking chair is an altar of prayer.
Even before you were born, I rocked in the chair and prayed for you. I prayed that the Lord would be honored by your life, even if He took you before I knew you like He took your sister. After you were born, I prayed that you would grow strong and eat well, and that I would be a mother that would honor Him first. I prayed that God would use your big voice and love of music for His glory; that He would use your strength to love others, your hands to serve, your quick mind to help, your sensitive heart to love. I pray that you would know Him as your daddy and I do.
My rocking chair is a play ground.
Your chubby hands smack the arm rests as you fight sleep in my lap, making enough noise to amuse you. All your weight pushing on the front of my rocking chair makes the blanket draped over the back billow like a ships’ sail as you stand in front of it and pull on the bar in the middle to make it rock without me. The bars underneath become a jungle gym as you crawl around, under, and between them to retrieve lost toys and evade us when we’re chasing you. We read books and escape to distant lands, going on adventure after adventure while you delay bedtime.

If my rocking chair were a rocket ship, we’d have flown to the moon and back twice in your first year with all the rocking we’ve done to fuel it. One day, when you’re too big to rock, my little wooden rocking chair will be full of memories of those flights; full of memories of my tiny boy who’s all grown up. But for now, I’ll rock you for one more minute and kiss you goodnight an extra time to store up enough memories in my rocking chair so that when you’re too big to rock, I’ll have that many more minutes of rocking and kissing to look back on. I will remember when you were just a baby and I was just starting to learn how to be your mommy.

Happy first birthday, #littleman. I am so grateful that God has allowed me to be your mommy.

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