Torn Asunder

This is the last worship song that I’ll be sharing this month, and it’s the one that touched me the most. I still have no words to express how this song has spoken to my heart.

When my Heart is Asunder

When my heart
Is torn asunder
And my world
Just falls apart
Lord You put
Me back together
And lift me up
To where You are

There is hope
Beyond the suffering
Joy beyond the tears
Peace in every tragedy
Love that conquers fear
I have found redemption
In the blood of Christ
My body might be dying
But I’ll always be alive

You have turned
Mourning to dancing
You have covered me with grace
The struggle here
May last a moment
But life with You
Will last always

There is hope
Beyond the suffering
Joy beyond the tears
Peace in every tragedy
Love that conquers fear
I have found redemption
In the blood of Christ
My body might be dying
But I’ll always be alive

When the age
Of death is over
And this world
Has been reborn
I’ll be there
Beside my Savior
This is our GREAT
And rich reward

There is hope
Beyond the suffering
Joy beyond the tears
Peace in every tragedy
Love that conquers fear
I have found redemption
In the blood of Christ
My body might be dying
But I’ll always be alive

Throughout the month of October, I’m writing a series titled “Hopeful Grief” with a fabulous group of writers, doing the Write31Days challenge. To catch up, or see new posts, click here. Interested in last year’s Write31Days posts? Click here. Know someone that this series may touch? Share as you see fit. 

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When You Don’t Feel At Home

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Home is a concept that I have written about here before, when we bought our home and moved in. I can almost make my way to the kitchen in the middle of the night when I need a snack, and I’m almost used to the sounds the house makes as it settles at night.

Like any human being, I’ve felt misplaced in my own skin. I’ve struggled with self acceptance and identity, and eventually come to some kind of resolution. After the death of our daughter Cora at the beginning of my third trimester this month, I have again found myself feeling out of place in myself. From mood swings, including uncontrollable outbursts that make me feel like a teenager again, to the strangeness of being alone and without a baby in my womb or in my arms. I am learning a new sort of “normal”. This new state of being hasn’t changed my physical appearance, aside from a few new scars on my stomach where stretch marks used to live and a deeper purple ring under my eyes. But it’s changed everything under the surface of my skin. My thoughts have changed, along with my heart in ways that I will not realize for a very long time. I do not know myself, or the grief that I am working to live with every day, and that I will live with for the rest of my life.

This “normal” is not welcome. I have fought against it mentally, waking up every day with less and less hope that this is just a bad dream. Every day I face that fact that I am not dreaming. She really is gone. And God is still good. God is still God, and He is still good.

Matthew 5:1-11

Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.