Hi, internets. I’m here. I’m alive. I’ve been hiding. I’m way late in my 31 day series, but sometimes, we have to set our to-do lists aside and deal with ourselves in private.
My due date was November 4th. Many of the babies who were due around Cora’s due date have been born, and my heart has been struggling with the Lord.
New waves of grief have swept over me daily as I’ve been shown images of fat, healthy babies born in the last few days; as I’ve heard the names that have been given to them that speak life over the years that we pray that the Lord grants us with them. I’m so thankful for the healthy babies that the Lord has given those that I love. I’m so grateful that He’s granted their mothers health and safety through their delivery.
But I wrestle with myself. I wrestle with God as I fight my emotions that don’t tell the truth. My emotions tell me that I’ve been cheated of the physical discomfort of late pregnancy. My emotions tell me that I’ve been cheated of a happy, expectant stay in the hospital waiting for a live baby to be born instead of wishing that I’ll wake up from a nightmare and still be pregnant. My emotions tell me that anxiety is normal, and that because the worst case scenario has happened, it will always happen. My emotions tell me that I’ve been cheated of joy around Thanksgiving and Christmas.
My emotions don’t tell me the truth. They tell me that God can’t be good because my heart is still in pieces inside me as the weather turns cool. They tell me that God can’t be good because we don’t know what happened or if I should try to become pregnant again. They tell me that pain is bad so God cannot be good because He has allowed me to experience immense pain.
These things are not true, and that has to be my inner dialogue. God is good. God has not abandoned me, nor does He when my emotions boil over. God’s nature has not changed. He knows my pain, and feels it with me. When Lazarss died, even though Jesus knew that He would raise him from the dead, Jesus wept. He mourned him.
As you help those that you love through loss, help them recognize when their emotions are not true; when they should resist them. Encourage them to take their emotions to the foot of the cross every day, praying continually and reminding themselves of God’s goodness daily.
Throughout the month of October, I’m writing a series titled “Hopeful Grief” with a fabulous group of writers, doing the Write31Days challenge. To catch up, or see new posts, click here. Interested in last year’s Write31Days posts? Click here. Know someone that this series may touch? Share as you see fit.
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