When You Don’t Feel At Home

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Home is a concept that I have written about here before, when we bought our home and moved in. I can almost make my way to the kitchen in the middle of the night when I need a snack, and I’m almost used to the sounds the house makes as it settles at night.

Like any human being, I’ve felt misplaced in my own skin. I’ve struggled with self acceptance and identity, and eventually come to some kind of resolution. After the death of our daughter Cora at the beginning of my third trimester this month, I have again found myself feeling out of place in myself. From mood swings, including uncontrollable outbursts that make me feel like a teenager again, to the strangeness of being alone and without a baby in my womb or in my arms. I am learning a new sort of “normal”. This new state of being hasn’t changed my physical appearance, aside from a few new scars on my stomach where stretch marks used to live and a deeper purple ring under my eyes. But it’s changed everything under the surface of my skin. My thoughts have changed, along with my heart in ways that I will not realize for a very long time. I do not know myself, or the grief that I am working to live with every day, and that I will live with for the rest of my life.

This “normal” is not welcome. I have fought against it mentally, waking up every day with less and less hope that this is just a bad dream. Every day I face that fact that I am not dreaming. She really is gone. And God is still good. God is still God, and He is still good.

Matthew 5:1-11

Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

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