Baby

This post is part of the 31 Days Writing Challenge, in which a group of writers post a piece every day for the month of October. Want to read all of my posts in this series? Click here

“Did you guys go out on a date?” The little girl from a few apartments down always wants to know what’s going on. So, I guess since Husband-Man and I are dressed up and getting home at 7:00 PM instead of our usual 5:00(ish) PM, she connected the dots pretty well.

“Yeah, we did,” says Husband-Man.

“Oh, that’s right. You guys go out on dates because you don’t have kids”.

Ouch.

She didn’t mean anything by it. My history with her leads me to believe that she usually says exactly what she’s thinking. To her, we’re strange. Maybe even interesting. Her mom and dad have a kid. And I guess they don’t go out on dates on work nights.

No matter what she meant by it, I still went inside and cried. Babies stare at me. They’re like tiny, adorable, stalkers. And when I’m lucky, a baby wants me to hold them. I’m not skinny, so I imagine that I’m comfortable. I love to snuggle babies. They smell like heaven with a sweet mix of baby powder, sour milk, and poop. They make my heart ache.

Why did her comment hurt? Because I desperately want to have a baby. And it’s not even time to try and get pregnant.

When I say that, I feel a need to defend myself. Will people think that we’re being selfish and not trusting God? Will people think that I have no right to long to be a mother so deeply and still not be trying to get pregnant? Today, I chose to not let that matter. I’m sharing with you one of the most painful parts of my waiting, and I’m not going to defend myself.

I want to be a mother so badly. I long to be a mother. I long for our tiny family of two to be a family of three. And both Husband-Man and I feel like it’s not quite time to even try to get pregnant.

So I wait. I wait to find out if we’ll be able to get pregnant. And in this waiting, I have to trust God. I have to trust God with my aching heart. I have to trust God that He knows what He’s doing in our lives. I have to actively wait. And I struggle. I want to hide and not interact with babies sometimes, because it makes me so sad. But if I can’t love someone else’s baby, how could I love my own?

So, as we prepare for Halloween, I’m stealing my heart. Last Halloween was very difficult for me. I was so excited to pass out candy to the neighborhood kids, but when the hoards of princesses and pirates descended, I couldn’t stop myself from weeping. Husband-Man wound up passing out the candy without me, because I was inexplicably sad.

Motherhood is a difficult subject, and I have found the heart pain associated with motherhood to span much farther than longing to be a mother. It spans from the longing to be a mother to the pain associated with dying to yourself daily as a mother. I’ve been blessed to walk with some of my friends through preparing for motherhood and becoming mothers, and their pain is similar to mine. It’s a blessing to know that I’m not alone, and that God works on our hearts through all of our desires.

How you experienced any similar pain?

Day 22

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6 thoughts on “Baby

  1. Linzy says:

    The waiting is hard. Lyla (my stepdaughter) asks constantly when she is getting a sibling. Wedding in July and the family expects a baby by April. The “waiting to try” period is the hardest because most of the time your mind drifts to “what if something happens and I can’t get pregnant?”…. We just bought a house and I take my big engineering exam in April. We are trying to enjoy being newlyweds and having time with just Lyla as a family of 3. But, everyday I have baby fever. We got a got a puppy a couple weeks ago to help calm down the fever.

    But, yes… I’ve experienced the pain. It’s not fun. I’m the least patient person and waiting for the right time to try seems so far away.

    Like

    • Carla says:

      Linzy, thank you so much for commenting. Since living down here, I’ve missed out on so much of our families’ lives, and I’m so sad that I haven’t gotten to meet your husband and Lyla yet.
      Waiting to try has been really hard mentally for me because of the “what if we have trouble conceiving later” question too. I always (mentally) jump to the worst case scenario.
      I’ve found it really hard to go slowly and enjoy what I have now, like being a newlywed, working on our marriage, and having freedom that we have without having a baby at home. We got guinea pigs when I got baby fever really bad, and it helped some.
      I hope that your pain eases. I love you.

      Like

  2. Jenna McMurphy says:

    I’ve been following along with your blog throughout this challenge, but I tend to not comment much on blogs for some reason. Today I just had to say something. I’m single, and the pain that comes with that sounds quite similar to yours. Waiting on God and watching so many friends meet someone, date, and get married sometimes leaves me in a weepy mess. Some days are completely easy while some days are excruciatingly painful. But your story reminds me that even if God does bring someone for me to marry, there will always be a “next thing” that could/will cause me pain. Choosing God and contentment in Him for the here and now is currently what I’m working on. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

    • Carla says:

      Jenna, thank you so much for commenting.
      In talking to my friends in different stages of life, this painful longing permeates all stages.
      Thank you for sharing, and for being willing to admit that you experience that pain. I think that it makes it easier when we don’t hide our pain, because we are so often reminded that we are not alone, and we can see God work in our lives at the same time He works in others’ lives.

      Like

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