“Did you guys go out on a date?” The little girl from a few apartments down always wants to know what’s going on. So, I guess since Husband-Man and I are dressed up and getting home at 7:00 PM instead of our usual 5:00(ish) PM, she connected the dots pretty well.
“Yeah, we did,” says Husband-Man.
“Oh, that’s right. You guys go out on dates because you don’t have kids”.
She didn’t mean anything by it. My history with her leads me to believe that she usually says exactly what she’s thinking. To her, we’re strange. Maybe even interesting. Her mom and dad have a kid. And I guess they don’t go out on dates on work nights.
No matter what she meant by it, I still went inside and cried. Babies stare at me. They’re like tiny, adorable, stalkers. And when I’m lucky, a baby wants me to hold them. I’m not skinny, so I imagine that I’m comfortable. I love to snuggle babies. They smell like heaven with a sweet mix of baby powder, sour milk, and poop. They make my heart ache.
Why did her comment hurt? Because I desperately want to have a baby. And it’s not even time to try and get pregnant.
When I say that, I feel a need to defend myself. Will people think that we’re being selfish and not trusting God? Will people think that I have no right to long to be a mother so deeply and still not be trying to get pregnant? Today, I chose to not let that matter. I’m sharing with you one of the most painful parts of my waiting, and I’m not going to defend myself.
I want to be a mother so badly. I long to be a mother. I long for our tiny family of two to be a family of three. And both Husband-Man and I feel like it’s not quite time to even try to get pregnant.
So I wait. I wait to find out if we’ll be able to get pregnant. And in this waiting, I have to trust God. I have to trust God with my aching heart. I have to trust God that He knows what He’s doing in our lives. I have to actively wait. And I struggle. I want to hide and not interact with babies sometimes, because it makes me so sad. But if I can’t love someone else’s baby, how could I love my own?
So, as we prepare for Halloween, I’m stealing my heart. Last Halloween was very difficult for me. I was so excited to pass out candy to the neighborhood kids, but when the hoards of princesses and pirates descended, I couldn’t stop myself from weeping. Husband-Man wound up passing out the candy without me, because I was inexplicably sad.
Motherhood is a difficult subject, and I have found the heart pain associated with motherhood to span much farther than longing to be a mother. It spans from the longing to be a mother to the pain associated with dying to yourself daily as a mother. I’ve been blessed to walk with some of my friends through preparing for motherhood and becoming mothers, and their pain is similar to mine. It’s a blessing to know that I’m not alone, and that God works on our hearts through all of our desires.
How you experienced any similar pain?