I’ve been trying to make Mondays in October about being around my house. And today, while I was hanging out at my house, watching the who knows what number hour of television I’ve watched in the past month, I realized that I didn’t have a post ready for today.
I actually don’t have my posts ready for this week. That hasn’t happened all month. I have been spending a few hours on every Saturday getting my posts ready, and instead, this weekend I went to my mom’s house and hung out with my family.
I’ve been doing a lot of nothing recently.
I’ve been scared and kind of sad. About nothing, and everything at the same time. Even though I usually love the fall, this year, it has brought with it a lot of anxiety. On a walk the other day, while feeling the cold through my after work uniform (IE, sweats), I stopped and almost cried.
My memories of the cold this year don’t have anything to do with my birthday or Christmas, or having fun in the cold. It makes me feel the fear that I felt when Husband-Man was very sick and didn’t get off the couch. When I had to make him go back in the house while I was cleaning the cars and parking spaces off. When I came home after work to make sure he was eating.
And I have to stop. And remind myself to not wait for everything to go wrong again. I have to be okay being at peace now, enjoying the fall and not waiting for things to be dark again.
I have to wait and ask for peace from the One who knows my heart better than I do.