I alluded to my lack of patience in a recent post, but today, you get a bit more candor.

When I want something, I get the three-year-old ihavetopeeandican’tsitstill wiggles and I feel like what I want has to happen right now, which to me really means yesterday. I don’t struggle as much with waiting for “small” things, unless you count chocolate. Sometimes, I just can’t wait for chocolate.

But with big things, I am infinitely inpatient. What is a “big thing”, you ask? Why thank you, kind reader. I thought you’d never ask.

I want a baby. According to my grandparents-in-law, I’m still a newly-wed. But they’ve been married for over fifty years, so I don’t think I’ll ever stop being a newly-wed to them. Husband-Man and I will celebrate our third anniversary on August 13th this year, so perhaps the newly-wed badge is a bit worn. But, I’ve wanted a baby since before I got married. I’ve always loved being around kids. Babies have always watched me, and I can spot one at fifty yards. I read birth stories. I have watched every episode of “One Born Every Minute” and “The Midwives” that I can get my hands on. I love the show “Call the Midwife“. I think Ina May Gaskin is one cool lady. I could go on, but you get the picture.

This past Halloween, Husband-Man had to pass out the candy because all of the little trick-or-treaters made me weep. I just couldn’t keep it together. I cry when I see commercials about children. I have several dear friends that are either expecting a child now or have had one recently, and each time they’ve told me about their blessing, I’ve been over the moon for them. But the second that I’m alone after I hear their news, I cry my heart out. And it’s not because I’m not happy for them. It’s because my heart longs so strongly for a child that I mourn. And rationally, I don’t know why. But I do know that that desire is not unique to me.

And he had two wives: the name of one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.This man went up from his city yearly to worship and sacrifice to the Lord of hosts in Shiloh. Also the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, the priests of the Lordwere there. And whenever the time came for Elkanah to make an offering, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, although the Lord had closed her womb. And her rival also provoked her severely, to make her miserable, because the Lord had closed her womb. So it was, year by year, when she went up to the house of the Lord, that she provoked her; therefore she wept and did not eat.

Then Elkanah her husband said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? And why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?”

So Hannah arose after they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat by the doorpost of the tabernacle of the Lord10 And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish. 11 Then she made a vow and said, “O Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall come upon his head.”

12 And it happened, as she continued praying before the Lord, that Eli watched her mouth. 13 Now Hannah spoke in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli thought she was drunk. 14 So Eli said to her, “How long will you be drunk? Put your wine away from you!”

15 But Hannah answered and said, “No, my lord, I am a woman of sorrowful spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor intoxicating drink, but have poured out my soul before the Lord16 “Do not consider your maidservant a wicked woman, for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief I have spoken until now.”

17 Then Eli answered and said, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition which you have asked of Him.” 18 And she said, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.” So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

19 Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord, and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 20 So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, “Because I have asked for him from the Lord.”

1 Samuel 1:2-20

Hannah wanted a baby so much that when she poured her heart out to God while she was praying, someone thought she was intoxicated. Her longing wasn’t dignified according to societal norms, but God honored her honesty. Her honesty wasn’t pretty, and mine isn’t either.

Husband-Man and I aren’t trying to conceive yet. And today, I ask you to please respect that we’re doing our best to be obedient to God without going into details.

My point isn’t that I’m an impatient, baby-crazy, 25 year old, although that is very true. My point is that I have to honor God and try to respect His timing. I want to have a baby and a house and a new car yesterday. (You may think that this isn’t how I really feel, but ask Husband-Man. He puts up with a lot.) But God doesn’t work like that. He’s not a vending machine where I say the right words, push a button and get what I want. In Philippians 4:4-7, the Bible says:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

It says “[a]nd the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. It doesn’t say “and God will give you what you want”. It says that God’s peace will guard your heart and your mind in Christ.

And when it’s finally God’s time for us to have a baby, I will be thankful. If that baby was carried by someone else or by me, I will be thankful. But today, I will pray and cry and look like a fool, and God’s peace will guard my heart and mind in Christ. And I will be thankful.

6 thoughts on “Fever

  1. beks21 says:

    This is beautiful, my friend. Thank you for your honesty, and God’s peace does guard us wonderfully. And Ina May Gaskin is basically the coolest person ever. 🙂


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