I have a confession to make. A big, fat, secret. At least, most of the time I think that it’s a secret.
I’m a mess. Before coming to college in a small town with more Southern flair than my hometown, I didn’t understand the phrase a “hot mess“, but perhaps that’s a better description. I’m a hot mess.
What does that mean? That means that even if I look okay on the outside, if I act the way that I’m supposed to and tell you I’m “fine”, I’m probably not. I feel like I’m supposed to have everything figured out, and sometimes if I pretend that I do. I talk myself into thinking 1. that I have everything under control or 2. that I’m supposed to have everything under control. Then, I figure out that 1. I don’t have anything “under control” (what does that even mean?) and 2. that I am pursuing an impossible goal. And then I usually cry a lot, and get sad. And I feel hopeless.
That is my mess. I think that I’m strong enough and smart enough to tell God what I need and when I need it. And when I realize that I’m not, I don’t remember to come to Him about it.
Even in my mess, I have dreams. I have deep, deep longings in my heart, and one of them is to change the world by helping edify women. I feel drawn to write, and have big dreams of being published. But whenever I create something, I feel a need to present perfection. And that’s a lie. I’m not perfect, and I’m not supposed to be. And an imperfect person cannot create perfection. And this irrational desire for perfection keeps me from trying new things. I feel like I can’t share something I’ve written or feel passionately about because I’m not good enough to write something that someone else would read or because I don’t have enough life experience to have any wisdom to share. So I hadn’t started writing.
Until today. Today, with the help of the wonderful Husband-Man, I’m going to try. And it’s going to be messy and perhaps a bit icky, but it will be honest. And I will be being obedient to God, so that’s good enough for me.
So, here’s to an attempt to being obedient.
Welcome to my mess.
(If you get the reference in the title of this first entry, you’re my FAVORITE! +10 points. If you don’t, just leave me a comment and I’ll explain.)